Natural Birth and Baby Care.com

Allow Yourself to Grieve

Though the loss of an unborn or newborn baby is tragically common in our society, most people are not comfortable acknowledging it. They do not know how to respond to your sadness over the loss of your baby.

No matter when you lost your baby - early in your pregnancy or later, in the newborn period or after - losing your child is still a painful experience. You have the right to grieve your child and your lost dreams.

A Multitude of Feelings

You may feel a wide range of feelings after you lose your baby. No matter when in pregnancy your baby was lost, or if your baby died after birth, you are entitled to grieve.

It is helpful to understand what you may be feeling as you grieve for your baby. This lets you know that your feelings are natural and normal. It is best to accept your feelings and work through them. Remember that your loss is individual to you and grieving will be in your own individual way.

• Denial: You may find that you are in denial during the initial shock of losing your baby. You may still feel pregnant. If you discovered your baby died during an ultrasound exam you may be convinced that the ultrasound technician is wrong. Or you may expect to feel your older baby rolling and kicking. You may be certain that you'll see your newborn sleeping peacefully in the hospital or at home in the nursery or your room.

  During this stage you think that you will blink your eyes and your child will be back, right where he should be. It is a very hard time. You feel like you are in a nightmare and you just want to wake up.

• Anger: This may go in hand with denial, or come on in a rush after you have lost your baby. You may feel angry at yourself, thinking that if only you had been more careful, not done something, had done something, or paid more attention that your baby wouldn't have died.

  You could feel angry at your partner, or the medical professionals who could not save your baby. Maybe you feel angry because nobody has really acknowledged your loss.

  Your anger may seem irrational and unjustified - this is ok and normal.

• Bargaining: Sometimes you may find yourself bargaining to get your child back. You may promise to eat better or take better care of yourself. You may think that if you had only been nicer, more fit, etc. etc, that your baby would have lived. You may find yourself having wild thoughts that if you can just have your baby back, you'll do much better.

  If you believe in a God, then you may find yourself bargaining with your deity, hoping that it will bring your baby back. All these thoughts are normal.

• Acute Grief: This term is used in A Silent Sorrow, an excellent book about baby loss. During this stage of grief all your disbelief and shock have faded somewhat, and you are left with the full realization of your loss.

  You may find yourself cry uncontrollably or constantly. You may also have physical symptoms of grief such as sleeplessness, loss of appetite, headaches, nausea, and shortness of breath. You may also feel anxiety and have nightmares.

  Your loss may be on your mind constantly. It is overwhelming and all-consuming. You may also still be angry and you may also find yourself snapping and lashing out - even at your loved ones. Another troubling feeling may be the wish to die - it is normal. You may wish to join your baby. These feelings are normal, but if they persist you should seek help.

• Guilt: Guilt is part of the acute grief stage, but it's such an overwhelming feeling that I wanted to put special emphasis on it. You may wonder if you did something wrong, or if you could have somehow prevented your child's death. Oftentimes there was nothing you could do.

  If you know that something in your environment, or perhaps something genetic, caused your baby's death you may feel guilt especially strongly. It is important to acknowledge your feelings, but do not blame yourself too much. You have no conscious control over genetics. You may now realize an environmental cause was the root of your baby's problem - but also realize that you probably did not know that before.

  If you were ambivalent about this pregnancy you may feel particularly guilty, as if your feelings about your pregnancy caused your loss. This is not so. Almost every pregnant woman experiences some apprehension about pregnancy and the thought of a new baby. Even if you thought clearly that you were not ready for a baby your feelings did not cause your child's death.

• Faliure: Sometimes women feel like they've failed if they lost a pregnancy or even a newborn. They feel that they have failed as a mother and a woman, and may feel that they've failed to provide their partner with a child.

  These feelings are, as the others, normal. But do realize that a baby loss does not mean that you have failed. It is something that can happen to many women and many families. Most losses are out of your hands.

• Envy: You may find that you envy other pregnant women or women with babies and small children. This is normal even long after your own loss.

  It may be hard for you to be around pregnant women or families with young children. You may wonder why their children survived and your baby died. You may even be hesitant to look at pictures of other children. All these feelings are ok.

  You will eventually be able to be around other children, but it is always ok for you to have your own feelings of grief resurface when you see them. Envy is normal and ok. You may always feel a twinge when you see pregnant woman, but gradually your feelings should subside.

As Time Passes

Your feelings won't disappear - you will never be exactly as you were before your loss. But as time goes on you will find that you are able to function a little better. You will be able to smile again and even laugh.

It will be normal for you to feel overwhelmed by grief at times. Other times anger or envy may wash over you. But this is normal and to be expected. When you come upon anniversaries -- the anniversary of your baby's death or due date - and holidays you may feel your grief as strongly as when your loss happened.

If your physical symptoms and strong emotions persist you may want to seek a support group. They can help you discuss your feelings. You'll be able to get unique support from other mothers and parents who are feeling the same things that you are.

If you feel like you are depressed and cannot heal on your own, you may want to talk with your doctor or midwife, who will be able to help you. Clinical depression is different than grief. If your depression continues months after your loss, you may wish to seek an evaluation with your compassionate healthcare provider.