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Overnights with Dad

My son Wyatt and I recently moved out of his Dads house. Wyatt is 10 months old and we co-sleep. He is a frequent night nurser. His father wants overnights and I just don't feel that Wyatt is ready. I am trying to figure out about what age he would be ready to do overnights. Also, his father has not previously contributed to any night time parenting. Do you have any suggestion to make the transition and when to do it.

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Thank you,

Katie

Answer:

Hi Katie,

I know the situation you're in is very tough. I was a single mother with a little one myself. My Brennan was a little older (17 months), but still nursed a lot and throughout the night.

I'm not sure where you're at - but you should check on the laws where you're at. Some states in the United States restrict overnight visitation for young children. About.com has links to child custody laws by state. If you're not in the US check with your country/state/province laws.

If the laws are not in your favor I recommend that you try hard to work things out with Wyatt's dad. Some judges are not sympathetic to nighttime parenting issues, and instead focus on the fairness of "parenting time" and maintaining parent-child relationships. I'm not saying that's a bad thing for them to do, but it can be very disruptive to a nursling. There are a lot of judges who will prevent overnights until a child is a year, but after that it depends on state.

At Wyatt's age routine and security are very important. Night nursing is also very important because solids are not yet a major part of the diet and breastmilk is digested very quickly. You know all of this, of course, which is why you want him to be with you at night.


Overnight visits could also cause your milk supply to drop, which is a bad thing for Wyatt.

I would recommend that you sit down and think about all the reasons why you want him with you at night - reasons why it's best for Wyatt (routine, security, need for feeding throughout the night, consistent nighttime parenting techniques, milk supply, etc.). If you need or want to, write them down.

You may also be be able to present advice from Wyatt's doctor, from the World Health Organization (babies should nurse for 2 years), etc.

Then present those to Wyatt's dad and tell him you want to have a discussion about why you truly feel it's best for Wyatt to wait on overnight visits.

Discuss other ways you can make sure they have quality visitation time - maybe a full day or afternoon together at the park on the weekends or a couple of days a week.

It's very hard to figure out visitation with a baby because really, a baby needs one primary caregiver. A 50/50 time split and overnight visits just are not in a baby's best interest. I would remain firm that overnight visits are not good for Wyatt. Make it clear that you're willing to work to make sure he has plenty of parenting time, and that you'll be willing to discuss overnights in the future - but that right now Wyatt needs to nurse at night.

Best of luck with your situation - I know it's a very tough one to be in. Try and keep Wyatt and what's best for him at the forefront of your mind, and good luck making the best arrangements for him!