Who Should be at Your Baby's Birth?

Choosing who should be at your baby's birth is sometimes easy. Other times it's very hard and includes a lot of emotions - for many people involved.

The place to start your choice is with where you will give birth. If you are giving birth at a hospital the number of people allowed with you during labor and delivery may be limited by hospital regulation. Many hospitals only allow two companions.

If you are giving birth in a birth center or at home you can probably have an unlimited number of people at your birth. This can cause problems in itself. Just because you can have everyone there doesn't mean that you should.

Some Important Considerations

During labor and birth you will be working - and you will be working hard. Some women like to talk between contractions and others prefer to rest and relax. During contractions you'll want to focus. You don't want many people there talking or chatting. All the energy in the room should be directed towards you.

You want people there that will focus on you. Choose people you know will support you and help you. Don't choose people who will sit and watch you - and especially pass over those people who will sit and watch the monitors. You'll know how to tell your support team when a contraction is occurring!

Speaking of support team - again, these people are here to support you. You aren't putting on a show. You and your baby are not a media event. Don't choose someone just because they want to see the baby born.

Another important thing to remember - the more people there, the slower your labor will probably go. Many people bring a lot of energy but a lot of distraction. People there might have their own issues to process. Frankly, your birth is not the time to do that. Think long and hard before inviting a lot of people.

Thinking About Those Very Important People

You may know automatically that you want your partner there. In our times it is almost a given. Our mothers and grandmothers had to fight for that, but we can have it if we wish. Some women will not want their partner there and that is ok, too.

What if you want your partner there - but not as a "coach?" Consider a doula. Your doula will be totally focused and devoted to you. Many men feel the deep need to "guard the cave" so to speak - they would rather watch over you protectively than actively "coach" during labor. This is ok. Just make sure that you are both clear on the role your partner will play.

If he does not want to be your main support person hire a doula or bring someone who will be that support person. For more discussion on men as coaches I recommend Natural Childbirth the Bradley Way (read this even if you don't want your partner to coach, it's excellent). For more information on men in the role of "protector" and "watchmen" see Birthing From Within (again an excellent read).

Your mother may be another big person you must decide about. I know that for me this was an intensely hard choice to make. If you know for sure that you want your mother to be there or you know for sure that you don't you're one of the lucky ones!

But if you're torn here are some considerations: Don't ask your mother to be there just to watch the baby's birth. You and your child are not a show and you should not feel obligated to have her there. If she is there it should be first and foremost as your support person. She should be there to focus solely on you - the baby is a great bonus!

In the end it's your choice if you want your partner and/or your mother there at the birth with you. Once you've made up your mind let these people know - gently but firmly if the choice is not to have them at the birth.

Remember to honor a person's choice if you want them there and they decide not to be there. If you're fearful that will have no support I strongly recommend hiring a doula.

Even if you don't think you can afford a doula make some calls to local doulas - you may find one that will support you at no cost (or she may be willing to barter some services - maybe you happen to sew and she needs something sewn!)

Other People

Friends and other relatives are really up to you. Do you think it would be good to have them at birth? Perhaps you have a girlfriend who has had a baby or babies and you know she'd be an excellent support person to you. Maybe you'd love to have your sister there.

Use the same guidelines as above and make your choice based on who will help and support you the most. The baby is a wonderful thing and you will have plenty of time to show him or her off to everyone - let your labor and birth be about the support you need.

Natural Birth and Baby Care.com